Sorry guys, it's a grad school freakout ranty thing

So I met with my advisor yesterday and man, can she throw out the Jewish mother guilt trip like no other. It was on par with the Asian parent guilt trip. I have a feeling I amplify the guilt trip by like 100% in my head. Le sigh. Anyway, we talked and it was obvious I was sitting on my ass procrastinating and therefore, I am not where we both expected me to be in terms of proposal and thesis writing. She was pretty understanding about my mental block/procrastination but the undertones of disappointment had me swimming in guilt the rest of the day.

I guess it's part procrastination and part fear....of writing and having to actually read and absorb the daunting piles of readings sitting on my desk, floor and on my harddrive and then making sense of it all in my head so I can put it into words. A guest speaker in one of my classes this week put it in perspective for me (based on her own experiences with grad school) so I know what the issue is......I'm just finding it hard to get around it. I feel a little like I'm floundering now that push has actually come to shove and I have to produce something. I'm actually reconsidering doing the PhD. I think she's reconsidering it too. My advisor, that is. Man, combine that with the crappy day I had before = a real downer of an end of a week. Right now I'm too busy having to cram this weekend to get my draft proposal and lit review written that I don't have time to dwell on it. But I guess I'm going to have to really think hard and long about streaming into the PhD once I'm done next sem. If I can even get the MA done in the first place. I guess I'm feeling a little panicked about everything grad school right now and I wish I had someone here who has gone through it and whom I can talk to in person. It really sucks that I don't have a reliable support network in my department who's here and not in the field. Whining sessions, pity parties and academic freak outs are not the same over skype. Oh man, what a stressful week....and it started off so well too.... I think I need sleep and a therapy session with my fav spanish housewife to put it all into perspective. And getting over the assignment hump. Hopefully that'll bandaid the issue for now until summer when I can corner friends in the field for advice and I have more time to contemplate the future.

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Here's another random update :)

Hello friends! Life has been hectic as usual. Spring break was well intentioned but fell short of my expectations of getting ahead in my schoolwork. It might be the fact that I ended up sleeping and lazing around for three days straight...hmmm. The fact that I can't remember what happened the rest of the week means it was prolly just as unproductive. lol. Actually, I lie. I do remember Thursday well. Only because I ended up spending about 5 hours or so counting teeny tiny landsnail shells at Bishop. Random fact: Oahu has more than 300 types of landsnails which is more landsnail diversity than all of mainland America. Titillating, I know. Look forward to more random snail facts cos apparently I'm on loan to the malacology dept indefinitely. And while I wasn't there, the anthro dept decided to put my face on a recruiting flyer.....because I looked so happy counting stone flakes. lol. Check it out.

Don't I look super happy to be counting rocks? lol. And can you believe I've graduated to counting snails? It's surprisingly soothing, even if it's tedious.

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 Yeah, totally spent a couple of hours doing that. Worked out a sophisticated way of counting too. The anal retentive side of me totally enjoyed filling up all those squares. Don't deny it, you would have done it too.

I think there might have been a picnic/bbq or two ...or three...thrown in there somewhere. However I wasted Spring break, it is obvious that I didn't get much done. Not homework or cleaning or decorating. I did however, go on a bit of a shopping spree. Ohh, yeah, I also spent about 4 hours in a baking frenzy where I made sour cream coffee cake (and experimented with making coffee cake cookies. Lemme tell ya, the cookies rocked!), banana bread, whole wheat crackers, artisan bread, coconut macaroons, and strawberry jam. My housemates either think I'm crazy or I'm evil for contributing to the American conspiracy of making them fat. I won't lie about the conspiracy but I'm pretty sure my baked goods have not been that large a contributing factor. That pretty much sums up my spring break.....which is pretty sad actually....oh well.

As useless as spring break was, I think I might have hit my grad student stride (if that actually exists) this week because I've suddenly kinda lost interest in surfing the internet aimlessly in favor of catching up on work. I'm not sure what happened. Or if its related to me feeling exhausted at like 10pm and going to bed like the little old cat lady I am at heart. I'll never know but for now, with all my deadlines, I'll take it.

In other news, summer plans are looking up and hopefully, I'll head to KL and Siem Reap for free :) Yay!

Oh, and pole is awesome. The girls are great and we had an event where we demo'd some moves and pretty much just played on the pole for hours to get people interested :) (and I just realized how bad that sounds in a "that's what she said" kinda way. lol. but whatev) I'm moving up the levels and can't wait to get to the advanced stuff. Here's where I'm at now.....I guess it's intermediate? I dunno. But it's fun!

 Laterz!!

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