Oh crap. Talk about bad news.

I just got a phone call from a second cousin about my grandpa passing away :( This kinda sucks and makes me feel guilty since we haven't been up to Marin to see him in a while and I was just thinking of going up there and dropping in. crap.

Truthfully, I think I feel even worse that I'm not more broken up about it. Maybe I'm emotionally retarded or I'm just cold like that. I dunno. I suppose it's more the fact that we never really got to know him. Before coming to the states for uni, we only saw him once when I was 9. Although, out of all the grandkids I've probably had the most contact with him since we did share a house for a few months when I lived in Marin and I did make an effort to see him every few weeks when he got admitted into the nursing home. I think it's sad that he died alone and I feel very bad that it happened that way. No one, no matter how much people dislike them, should have to die alone. Uncle Ray probably knew since he's the attending physician but he probably thought we didn't care and couldn't be bothered to see him before he passed away. I feel he should have called us and allowed us to make that decision when Grandpa got admitted to the hospital and then later on, the hospice since hospice care is usually the time to call in family to see them for the last time. Whatever it is, grandpa has passed away and I'm going to make sure that things go right for him now. Sigh.

Since I'm the one who's been here longest, I'm automatically the person in charge; representing my dad since he won't be able to be here for the funeral. What the heck do I know about death and funerals?!? I've only ever been to one and we weren't related. I've been googling funerals, their costs, procedures and all that. I had to call my dad, mom and my dad's sibs, Uncle Raymond and Aunty Florence. Honestly, I dunno how much they care. My family is very dysfunctional. On both sides. How we got this lucky in the family lottery, I will never know but I can't help being wistful about the great relationships my friends have with their own families. My sis was just commenting on how ppl usually only have shitty relationships with one side of the family while the other is normal but somehow, we have crappy relations on both sides. It's part of why we're so determined not to let that happen to us. We'll see how this goes but I have a feeling it's going to be fairly trying to sort stuff out especially going in blind like this. I guess I'm just going to hope for the best and get all the advice that I can.