Sorry guys, it's a grad school freakout ranty thing

So I met with my advisor yesterday and man, can she throw out the Jewish mother guilt trip like no other. It was on par with the Asian parent guilt trip. I have a feeling I amplify the guilt trip by like 100% in my head. Le sigh. Anyway, we talked and it was obvious I was sitting on my ass procrastinating and therefore, I am not where we both expected me to be in terms of proposal and thesis writing. She was pretty understanding about my mental block/procrastination but the undertones of disappointment had me swimming in guilt the rest of the day.

I guess it's part procrastination and part fear....of writing and having to actually read and absorb the daunting piles of readings sitting on my desk, floor and on my harddrive and then making sense of it all in my head so I can put it into words. A guest speaker in one of my classes this week put it in perspective for me (based on her own experiences with grad school) so I know what the issue is......I'm just finding it hard to get around it. I feel a little like I'm floundering now that push has actually come to shove and I have to produce something. I'm actually reconsidering doing the PhD. I think she's reconsidering it too. My advisor, that is. Man, combine that with the crappy day I had before = a real downer of an end of a week. Right now I'm too busy having to cram this weekend to get my draft proposal and lit review written that I don't have time to dwell on it. But I guess I'm going to have to really think hard and long about streaming into the PhD once I'm done next sem. If I can even get the MA done in the first place. I guess I'm feeling a little panicked about everything grad school right now and I wish I had someone here who has gone through it and whom I can talk to in person. It really sucks that I don't have a reliable support network in my department who's here and not in the field. Whining sessions, pity parties and academic freak outs are not the same over skype. Oh man, what a stressful week....and it started off so well too.... I think I need sleep and a therapy session with my fav spanish housewife to put it all into perspective. And getting over the assignment hump. Hopefully that'll bandaid the issue for now until summer when I can corner friends in the field for advice and I have more time to contemplate the future.

Read more...

Here's another random update :)

Hello friends! Life has been hectic as usual. Spring break was well intentioned but fell short of my expectations of getting ahead in my schoolwork. It might be the fact that I ended up sleeping and lazing around for three days straight...hmmm. The fact that I can't remember what happened the rest of the week means it was prolly just as unproductive. lol. Actually, I lie. I do remember Thursday well. Only because I ended up spending about 5 hours or so counting teeny tiny landsnail shells at Bishop. Random fact: Oahu has more than 300 types of landsnails which is more landsnail diversity than all of mainland America. Titillating, I know. Look forward to more random snail facts cos apparently I'm on loan to the malacology dept indefinitely. And while I wasn't there, the anthro dept decided to put my face on a recruiting flyer.....because I looked so happy counting stone flakes. lol. Check it out.

Don't I look super happy to be counting rocks? lol. And can you believe I've graduated to counting snails? It's surprisingly soothing, even if it's tedious.

|

V

 Yeah, totally spent a couple of hours doing that. Worked out a sophisticated way of counting too. The anal retentive side of me totally enjoyed filling up all those squares. Don't deny it, you would have done it too.

I think there might have been a picnic/bbq or two ...or three...thrown in there somewhere. However I wasted Spring break, it is obvious that I didn't get much done. Not homework or cleaning or decorating. I did however, go on a bit of a shopping spree. Ohh, yeah, I also spent about 4 hours in a baking frenzy where I made sour cream coffee cake (and experimented with making coffee cake cookies. Lemme tell ya, the cookies rocked!), banana bread, whole wheat crackers, artisan bread, coconut macaroons, and strawberry jam. My housemates either think I'm crazy or I'm evil for contributing to the American conspiracy of making them fat. I won't lie about the conspiracy but I'm pretty sure my baked goods have not been that large a contributing factor. That pretty much sums up my spring break.....which is pretty sad actually....oh well.

As useless as spring break was, I think I might have hit my grad student stride (if that actually exists) this week because I've suddenly kinda lost interest in surfing the internet aimlessly in favor of catching up on work. I'm not sure what happened. Or if its related to me feeling exhausted at like 10pm and going to bed like the little old cat lady I am at heart. I'll never know but for now, with all my deadlines, I'll take it.

In other news, summer plans are looking up and hopefully, I'll head to KL and Siem Reap for free :) Yay!

Oh, and pole is awesome. The girls are great and we had an event where we demo'd some moves and pretty much just played on the pole for hours to get people interested :) (and I just realized how bad that sounds in a "that's what she said" kinda way. lol. but whatev) I'm moving up the levels and can't wait to get to the advanced stuff. Here's where I'm at now.....I guess it's intermediate? I dunno. But it's fun!

 Laterz!!

Read more...

Life

So, funding for next year: SECURED!! Woohoo!!!

That definitely makes life easier. I think it might be the first time I actually know that I'm financially secure for than six months in advance. The life of a perpetually broke grad student is more stressful than most think. Yeah, the studying/classes are easy but the funding of a social science degree is not. All I have to worry about now is finding money for summer. Since I;ll be digging this summer, it'll be pretty tight if I don't find money and I'm hesitant to find a source of funding that is related to me because I haven't touched the Bank of Mom and Dad in years (and I'm not about to start now) and my sugah mama is voluntarily unemployed and living the glam life of a Spanish housewife. We'll see. I'm sure it'll all work out. I'd be glad to just get my airfare and housing comped.

In random other news, I've found out that one of my childhood friends is having a baby. Unfortunately, it's not a happy event. He and his girlfriend are having the baby out of wedlock (not unheard of but she's foreign so it could be a problem), his parents don't know, she's due this week and they've only had one ultrasound and nothing in the way of prenatal care, etc. It's rather scary since they seem to be wholly unprepared and I really don't know how it's gonna go for this kid. I'm debating if I should talk to him and get him to talk to his parents but I know his parents and they're gonna kill him for this (not literally, but they're totally gonna be pissed). Thing is, I know that after all the fuss, at least his mom will help out....and I'm betting he's gonna need all the help he can get. So, should I or shouldn't I?

Also, my classmates from pole are going to a convention in LA this summer and I am super jealous. I wish I could go but my summer looks pretty hectic as it is :/ Cambodia and KL for sure. Possibly Spain, Beijing, Minnesota, New York, California or France as well....or any combination thereof. So many decisions.....what to do? How to afford it? I'm glad that these are the hardest questions in my life right now though. It's nice when life is this hard, eh?

Read more...

Hello, I'm aliveeeeee!!!

So, I've finally remembered that I should update. So much has happened since that last angry post four months ago. lol. Since then, I've found a new place and moved in for the long haul (hopefully), finished one semester and started another, went to SJ for winter break to pack up the rest of my crap and ship it to Hawaii and also to say bon voyage to Charl before she moved to Spain, etc.

The new place is great, a little windy but whatev. My landlady is kinda neurotic in that fussy, very precise old lady way. I'm still trying to get my room in order. I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew with the DIY projects that I've decided to undertake when I was still high on all the excitement of having a place of my own to decorate (also, excitement over being cat face man free). Lol. But seriously, this DIY thing is kinda getting out of hand. I've already reupholstered my cheap ass computer chair but the two pressing projects are to sand and paint ALL my furniture, and make my bed frame (yes, from scratch. My sister (and everyone else) thinks I'm crazy). The rest are minor things like crafting or upcycling junk to become decorations (which, with the arrival of my three, yes three, boxes of craft stuff, has me making useless but cute junk to scatter all over the house. wheeeeee). I'm not sure I'm saving all that much money doing everything myself but the other day I used a circular saw for the first time and boy, did I feel manly. I think I might actually see the appeal of power tools now.

On the school side of things, the new semester has been really really crazy. It's been like one long emotional roller coaster (I didn't know I could get that upset over a class/teacher/teaching methods) and a bit of a rush for time. Some of my cohort-mate are graduating this semester and are desperately rushing to complete their thesis and defend by mid April. I'm glad I won't have to do that for another semester but I'm feeling the pressure as well since I have to start on my thesis now so I don't flail around in panic in Fall. That on top of classes and work and internship and extracurriculars has me a little stressed out, so much so that I'm baking at least once a week. I think I may have a slight baking problem. My opening sentence has become "Hey, how are you/what's up? Do you want a cookie/muffin/slice of cake?" I wonder if there's an equivalent to AA for this habit of mine. It's not terribly expensive, just slightly fattening and possibly time consuming in a bad way (three essays due tomorrow? eff that, I'm making muffins/surfing the web for recipes). Oh well. We've all got our vices. 

So, life's been a little crazy and I've been so scattered but I think I've definitely managed to settle down here and I don't think I'd mind having to stay here for the next 6 years all that much. Despite the craziness, I'm feeling content.

Read more...

The height of insanity, how much further can he go?

This should have gone up last night but as luck would have it, by the time I finished writing it, the internet crapped out. The router is downstairs and there was no fucking way I was going down because I think there probably would have been a second confrontation with this asshole. But yeah, last night was shitty:

Right now, I have to write because otherwise, I think I might cry or puke. I'm so upset my stomach is roiling, my whole body is tense and angry tears are making it hard to see.

The whole cat face man situation is getting blown out of proportion and I have nothing to do with it other than being the one who is receiving the abuse. His accusations are baseless and the product of a seriously paranoid mind. I'm honestly starting to think that this guy is beyond cray-cray. Today was the last straw. To be called out of my room and verbally attacked like that is beyond reasonable. I didn't take it lying down and I'm proud to say that I didn't lose it entirely but it was definitely an effort to keep myself in check and take the high road. (which btw, the high road fucking sucks).

However, if cat face man wants a fight, then he'll get a fight. Fuck this shit. He wants passive-aggressive, I'll give him passive-aggressive. If he thinks he can yell at me and get away with it well, think again. Based on tonight, it's apparent that he can dish it out but can't take it. Which is absolutely pathetic. Especially since he's 40-50ish and acts like a petulant 5 year old. When someone half your age is more rational than you are, you're pretty much a loser at that point.

The fact that he tried to pull this shit with the landlord/manager there (who didn't do much) tells me that he's obsessed with whatever imagined slight he's taken personally and that the landlord isn't going to be much help on either side. If that's the case, then I don't think I have anything to lose in defending myself and I really don't have to be nice anymore. I've given him three free passes. That's more than fair. Honestly, I'd be a fucking idiot to give him anymore and if I do, I bloody well deserve it for being so stupid. But that's not gonna happen cos the next time he tries anything, I'm going to give as good as I get, if not better. And if they evict me because of him (low possibility but still a possibility?maybe?), I'll fucking sue their asses.

Frankly, it's on. I'm done playing nice. Cat face man can bring it.

Read more...

When someone's ocd sparks off ocd tendencies you've never had before

OMG THE CAT FACES ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!!!!!

I AM SERIOUSLY GOING CRAZY OVER ALL THIS LABELING AND CAT-FACING OF THINGS!

4 weeks into the semester and it's not my school work that is stressing me out. It is the fact that I have not been able to use the kitchen in three weeks to stress bake/cook. And when I have used it, he's been in there with his loud opera/chinese opera, encroaching on my kitchen destressing time, totally in the way and unwelcomed, CAT-FACING EVERY. EFFING. THING. MULTIPLE TIMES!!!

It's making me antsy, like there's an itch I just can't get to and I feel like I want to break something, anything, to get it to stop. I laugh over how ridiculous it is with my housemates and friends but his constant presence and ocd claiming of everything is making me extremely uncomfortable in my own house among other things. I actually like the place I'm living in right now and this new set of housemates are great (except for him) but I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay once he fully moves in which sucks because I was hoping to stay here for the next year or two at least.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

fact - the excessive cat-facing of stuff: it can drive you crazy.

Read more...

It's funny, the difference a few months can make.

Was supposed to complete that half finished draft about summer that is just sitting there but then I got caught up in reading all the drafts that I never posted (there are a surprising number of them) and most probably will not post, ever. Reading through them, they're probably my best writing pieces. As disjointed as some of them can be, they're highly personal, emotional and entirely un-PC. lol. It seems like I didn't blog all that much over summer but looking back, I've actually been very productive; especially since I think this past summer has been a tremendous growing experience for me and I'm more comfortable just being me. I know that sounds a little funny, particularly since I'm pretty damn old to be having epiphanies of self-awareness and all that mumbo jumbo but that's the best explanation I can come up with. I'm definitely a lot happier to be in Hawaii and more than a few people have noticed it. Which means.....lots of happy posts coming your way! yay!

Read more...

seriously, this is getting ridiculous. I might need to put out a missed connections ad on craigslist. lol.

updates on summer in cambodia and life back in hawaii are coming. i promise. it's just a little hectic right now (when isn't it?) but as soon as i sort most things out, i'll have stuff up :)

Read more...

Alive!...sort of...in Phnom Penh

Yeah, just a quick note to say I'm not lost in the jungle that is Phnom Penh. So, so much is going on, I can't even keep up with everything being thrown at me. I've had to move to a new place 2 days after getting into Phnom Penh. Language classes are going at a fairly fast pace. The field trips in the afternoon and on Saturdays are interesting but so very exhausting (having to wake up at 6.30am everyday and having late nights does not help). Food poisoning is the bane of my life right now (i got like  an hour and a half of sleep last night, I was so busy running between the bed and the toilet) and to add to that, boy problems I didn't want to deal with but kinda expected have popped up. Otherwise, having an absolute blast here! :D I'm living with two Brits so my accent/English has kinda shifted to mimic them. lol. It's actually kinda funny. But we've got a great group of people, both in the CKS and ASK programs and it's shaping up to be an awesome, awesome summer!!! Or at least it will be once my stomach decides to stop rebelling and my lifelong random/dirty-food/things-in-my-mouth training kicks in. I'll update more once things have settled down and I feel better.

Read more...

why does grad school feel like grade school sometimes?

lol. just got my co-editorial position revoked in a random apologetic and rambly (is that a word?) email. i know I should probably be pissed but personally, I think it's hilarious and I don't mind at all. Fact is, I never did anything at all....mostly because the main guy in charge who elected me into that position (notice I didn't actually volunteer for it) didn't delegate. And now he thinks it wouldn't be fair to the others to allow me to be credited as such. But I will be credited accordingly for the work I did do. lol. dude, seriously? I'm not gonna be butt hurt about it so quit with the lame apologetic email. Sometimes I feel like I'm in grade school and not grad school; gotta be oh so careful about other people's feelings and egos so as to not stunt their development and all that crap. Honestly, I'd prefer not to be credited at all. I don't want to be mean or anything but I was talking with one or two of the other staff editors and we all agree that we are slightly ashamed to be connected with this years publication in the first place because the editing jobs were horrible (seriously, you couldn't tell that some of them had been edited several times or at all during the final edits!) and I thought a lot of the topics were kinda lame and not very well written and we didn't weed them out enough (accepting more mediocre papers because it's an online publication  and it'll help these students get published doesn't justify lowering standards). But that's just me. lol. Frankly, at this point, apart from my grades, I really don't care about anything school related anymore.

2 more days till I'm done and 3 more days till I'm back in the Bay! As much as I've come to like Hawaii this semester, I'll be glad for some time in the bay with friends and family.

Read more...

halfway there :)

Almost done. There past few days have seriously sucked. All because I procrastinated like mad. I need to learn how to be on top of things because writing papers at 4 am the day they are due is not as fun as it would seem.

Anyway, totally random but I totally found and picked up and am now eating TWO green mangoes that I found on the road by my neighbour's house. I've been eyeing his mango tree even since I discovered it was a mango tree a few weeks ago. And now, SUCCESS!!!! Green mango rojak!! (cos really, who needs the other fruit to enjoy rojak?) lol

Which brings me to my habit of trying to eat stuff off of trees. Have I mentioned how it makes me totally happy to find something edible on a tree or plant and eat it?? lol. I guess Queena was right in calling me a monkey. I'm gonna have to redouble my efforts in staking out edible things in my neighbourhood/on campus. because I can. and it'll make me happy without resorting to drugs or alcohol. Anyway, this week has sucked so far but finding free green mangoes is awesome so it's all good. :D It really is the little things in life....

Read more...

seriously, wtf??!? What is with the end of the world type natural disasters?

So the power cut off around 5 ish and didn't come back on until like 8pm. Not too bad but it's the first time something like this has happened and we didn't know how long it would last.

Of course it had to happen when I have a final and powerpoint presentation due.

And of course, it had to happen just before dinner. Because if cooking wasn't already fun, try doing in the dark is even better. For some reason, it's kinda hard to tell if water is boiling in the dark, especially when it's storming. I'm super thankful for the fact that the stove is gas. Otherwise, I'd starve. for realz. 'Cause I haven't been grocery shopping in close to 3 weeks and all I have is canned or dried stuff. I think it is safe to say that my tendency to stock up on food has saved me from starvation many, many times. Too bad none of it can be eaten as is. Hence the cooking in the dark.

Anyway, power came back on and that was awesome. I went online to check what was up with the screwy electricity. Turns out it was only just a LIGHTNING STORM/TORNADO/WATERSPOUT thingy...no big deal, whatev.........

No seriously, WHAT??

First a tsunami (and while Honolulu wasn't hit badly, a couple houses and cars got washed into the sea on some of the other islands. seriously, sucks for them. how do you recoup your stuff/mortgage/losses when your beach front property is under water/bobbing along in the ocean?) and now a couple of waterspouts/tornados??!?

WTF. It's like, welcome to paradise! Here, have a little sun, sand, TASTE OF THE APOCALYPSE, waves, hula, island music. Aloha and Mahalo. Hope you enjoyed your stay!

Come on Hawaii, the world can end after I'm done with finals. Gimme three days and I won't mind sirens, natural disasters and blackouts. Promise.

Have to admit tho, the pictures are kinda pretty, slightly breathtaking. I can understand why some people chase storms. Here's what some friends took with their iphones from their dorm/on the street. And the bigger ones are what I got off the net.

        

 

Apparently this is a lightning storm over Kailua

This is Waikiki

 

Waikiki and downtown Honolulu

Read more...

like a goldfish...

Seriously, shortest attention span ever.

I've got 3 25 pg papers, 2 powerpoint presentations, a final and a ton of Khmer homework to catch up on ....all due within the next 6 days!!

Why was I stalking my new celeb crush last week instead of doing work??? Aahhhh.

Luckily, this insanity has only lasted for a week....I'm kinda over it now. Which is insane because seriously? GOLDFISH. and really, it's not all that different from my attention span regarding boys. lol. that says a lot about my dating life, doesn't it? Aside from my inability to keep an interest in the guys around me, the last week's been a bit nostalgic. I think the last time I had a celeb crush was in high school. aah, those were the days.....urm. yeah.

So really, what has this experience taught me?
a) I'm super shallow. lol. As attractive as someone's talent is, it's all about the looks. haha :p and yeah, it's really really hard to fangirl over someone who's physical attributes you can kinda admire but you're not really attracted to.
b) The fangirls/fanboys of today are very, very, very, very hardcore (especially in the tween age range. They are Crazy MoFos and are obsessive as heck!)  Meep. It scares me. Someone please tell me I was never as obsessive as that. If I were their parents, I'd invest in some very expensive, very intensive therapy asap. Hmm, makes me wonder about the numbers of psychos out there who start out as obsessive fans....or maybe I watch too many crime series...
c) I discovered twitter AND tumbler. At the same time. I still don't really know how it all works but it also freaks me out. I'm technologically challenged and in some ways I'm glad for it because my foray into the madness that is twitter AND tumbler (tumbler in particular) has shown me that technology has made it ridiculously easy to stalk someone (not that I didn't realize this before....I just didn't realize how hardcore it was) 

Lol. And that ladies and gentlemen, was my daily musing on life/ random rant/words 'o wisdom/word vomit/i need to sleep to make sense moment because I'm procrastinating over trying to write a paper...one more weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek and it'll be over!! yay!

Read more...

youtube + emails = introspective?

I've been spending a lot of time on youtube. There are a lot of ridiculous people out there just waiting to entertain me with their random talents and antics :D It kinda makes me think about my own talents and antics.... like being able to sort rocks in a short amount of time....and (totally unrelated), throwing them at ppl....urm, yeah.  Just got an email from my advisor listing the new students coming in under her with a message to contact them and welcome them. I'm all for it. I love showing people around and helping them get adjusted. Seriously, just give me a soapbox right now; I'd happily prattle for hours. If this academic gig ever bombed, I'd be great supervising refugee camps or integrating new immigrants or something. lol. I'm actually really excited about the coming year and I know I'm going to be exploring the island a lot more since my roomie from last year's excavation at Angkor is going to be here for a year on the Luce program. Mita is awesome and we're totally gonna have a blast.

But, this message kinda twinges. It's one of those times when some of that low self-esteem left over from my middle/high school days rears its ugly head. I think about how the past and future students coming into the program all received/will receive such a welcome or something like it and wonder why I didn't qualify for one. I'm doing great in the here and now and life has always had a way of falling into place exceptionally well for me but sometimes it's the little things that make me wonder why I keep getting left behind every so often; why I seem to lose out on certain aspects of life that I never realize I'm missing out on until after the fact. It's a little funny and I'm positive a large part of it is just me being oblivious but it does make me wonder. I'm sure it happens to all of us at some point but it doesn't stop me from feeling sad for a little bit. It does however, make me count my blessings and be thankful for everything in life, every person I've met and every experience - good and bad. It reminds me to get off my butt and appreciate living life; to try and live it to the fullest extent.

Lol. there's my little introspective spiel on easter sunday.  Happy Easter guys!

Read more...

so totally not cool

Got woken up to the sounds of a hammer banging away and rapid fire Czech at like 7am. Okay. Whatever. Halfway through my shower I spied someone on the roof right outside the kitchen/bathroom window through the shower curtains. Apparently hyena girl's boyfriend was installing a mini air-cond in her room window (which is far enough away that he shouldn't have appeared in the bathroom window in the first place). I don't care if he was looking through the window or not. It is not okay to be hanging around a window when you know someone is showering! I don't care if you're about to fall off the roof! It would serve you right! Also, aren't you supposed to get permission before doing something like installing an aircond?!?

So, today started off with what was probably unintentional peeping (still doesn't make it right), hammering, sawing and about an hour ++ of listening to someone complain and whine in a foreign language. I totally want to punch both of them. repeatedly. in the nuts.

Why would you do this to me on my day off?? Whyyyyy??

Read more...